i think i'm depressed. not all the time, but in bursts. i spend alot of my time alone, holed up in my room, either on the computer or masturbating in my bed.
it's weird having an orgasm when you're lonely. how your entire state of mind can go from being in the midst of intense pleasure and then snap to complete and utter misery. i've had an orgasm and burst into tears.
it's like the fact that you can achieve some form of intimacy by yourself amplifies how lonely you are. the entire time during masturbation is all about feelings and fantasy, imagining you're with someone and telling them how good everything feels, letting the sensations rise with the music on your stereo so you can climax when the song does, etc.
and then the moment after orgasm, it's like being shoved directly back into the harsh reality of you, in your bed, completely alone in a room. it's so completely real and cold that it makes your heart break.
and then you're lying in your bed, naked from the waist down, crying into your hands, which doesn't much help your case.
i need some reason for living. sure i have plenty of reasons to want to stick around, but none of them are reasons for living. none of them are me fulfilling a purpose. i need that spark.
sometimes i think, even if in the very pits of depression lapping up the black tar of my own misery, i still wouldn't kill myself because i wouldn't want to make anyone pay for my funeral.
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