the blog in which i whine alot

it's official. i have a huge crush on Kevin Spacey and i don't care who knows it. i finally bought American Beauty on DVD tonight and my fifth viewing of the film has solidified my love for him.

i've pledged to stay off sex for a while and while i do feel that i should stand by that decision, it gets hard sometimes. not like i'm having to turn a long line of dudes down (seriously, i'm lucky if i notice a guy looking at me. i'm terrible at realizing when someone's flirting), not hard like that. it's hard in that i'm really lonely all the time. i mean...i was lonely even when i was sexually active because none of those relationships were particularly functional. but now it's a more pronounced loneliness. like a neon sign that keeps flickering the message "YOU HAVE NO ONE" blazingly into my eyes.

it doesn't help that i've been having a fat day. i feel fatter now than i did before i started working out.

school is........God, school is so painfully unimportant to me. i have no particular dislike for the classes (except political science, only because i'm not big on politics and i have a test this week that i haven't even begun studying for). it just really doesn't matter that much to me. i don't know what i want to do with my life. i almost feel like i'm just going to school to save myself from the embarrassment of not going to school.

my plan was to escape to England this summer so i wouldn't have to worry about saving face here in Cochran, but regrettably, there's a good chance that won't be happening. hence my depression. maybe i can convince Tom to fall in love with me and stay with me until we can both go England.

i've never been in love. i've never had a functional relationship. the men in my life have either been into me and then completely lost interest or have latched onto me obsessively and refused to let go. none of my relationships have been mutual. i think about it sometimes and it breaks my heart a little. it scares me.

alot of things about me make me fear the future.