will i ever find man? not a boy, not a guy, but a man?
what a question, right? it seems like the only males i attract are guys who get bored with me pretty quickly or boys who are constantly groping at my feet begging me to love them. what the fuck is up with that? in school, boys never paid attention to me (that i could see) and now i've suddenly got dysfunction coming from all sides.
i recently found out that the only guy (make that one of the only people) who i ever really clicked with and felt i had something with is now engaged to an ex-girlfriend. so that makes me the chick he fucked during their hiatus. i hope he remembers me every time she gives him shitty head (or doesn't at all).
i honestly hate it whenever a guy says "i'd die for you" or "you're my life" or anything else along those lines. i almost hate the phrase "i love you." i think my problem is that i have a hard time believing anyone could actually feel that strongly for me. i've spent so long curled up in a little shell feeling unobserved and trying to avoid anyone making a fool of me, and now that i'm out in the open, i have no idea what i'm doing. i think i'm just terrified of being tricked. i'm like Carrie. only hopefully not as bad.
Bryan is texting me all these things that make me physically ill. "describe me in one word" "how much do you love me?" "would you write me a letter?" Jesus Christ, dude. why are you suddenly going all Cameron on me?
is it so hard to find a guy who i can drink with, who will read books, watch movies with me, go on quiet adventures with me, vlog...i'm gonna be alone forever. no, scratch that, i'll be stuck with weirdos forever.
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