i'll spend another year alone

Liz Phair and i have a few things in common. I woke up in your arms and immediately felt sorry. such sums up my feelings towards men for the past year or so. 

my relationships have been...well, honestly, it's downright ridiculous what i've allowed myself to put up with. all the coldness and neediness, the pitiful leeches and apathetic fuckbuddies...i let myself get into these relationships (if you could call them that) because of, survey says, INSECURITY.

i was ignored by guys all through school, despite my best efforts to try to gain the attention of a few. i took this to mean that i was unworthy of male attention and, as much as it hurt, i accepted it and decided to sink into the shadows. then suddenly, a few dudes started taking an interest in me. i didn't take a shine to most of these guys so much for who they were as people; rather that my mentality was "a boy is paying attention to me!" 

this pre-pubescent-esque state of mind earned me a string of bizarre and unfulfilling encounters with opposite sex. throughout, i told myself that i wanted to sample everyone's flavor because i found sex and intimacy a beautiful poetic connection to the universe and some other Hindu bullshit. the reality was i was still an insecure chubby girl who figured "this is the best i'm gonna get." 

now, my whole sad story doesn't end with me getting an abortion and finally deciding that Prince Charming really is worth waiting for, as long as it's through Jesus. that don't fly. the bottom line is that i've learned a lot from the shit i've gone through, namely the mistakes i've made. settling for a leech; falling in love with someone who still loved his ex; staying when someone said they couldn't live without me. and above all, not listening to my loved ones (and really, my own head) when they told me to leave. 

well no more. i'm done pretending to love someone forever just to avoid hurting their feelings. i'm done being with anyone. i'm tired. i'm starting over, and in order to do it right, i need to start with myself. until this project is finished (or at least on a pretty solid middle ground), i'm not gonna go offering myself up to the first person who looks me over. it's time that i gained some respect for myself the old fashioned way, starting now.